Grouchy Old Utard

It seems that gays aren't gay anymore. But then, were they ever really gay?

As with many words in our American lexicon, they aren't quite what they seem. Back in the day, GAY was a synonym to HAPPY. It was also a woman's name. My sister-in-law's middle name is Gay. I wonder how happy she is that gays have named themselves after her? I think she should start advertising that she is gay; but then she'd offend all those guys that have co-opted her name. Maybe they did that because they wanted to be as cute as she is; they wanted to be Gay, too.

It seems that the gays are very unhappy with the passage of Prop 8 in California. I would suggest that if you're unhappy, then you can no longer describe yourself as "gay". Hey, since you guys aren't "gay" anymore, then do you mind if those of us that are happily involved with the opposite sex take our word back? Gee, thanks!

As I entered Heaven's door,

Not by the beauty of it all,

Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven

Who made me sputter and gasp--

The thieves, the liars, the sinners,

The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade

Who swiped my lunch money twice.

Next to him was my old neighbor

Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought

Was rotting away in hell,

Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,

Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?

I would love to hear Your take.

How'd all these sinners get up here?

God must've made a mistake.

'And why's everyone so quiet,

So somber - give me a clue.'

'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.

No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

JUDGE NOT.

Remember...Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian

no more than standing in your garage makes you a car!

Robert Kirby is one of my favorite columnists. This appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune, and I THINK IT WOULD HAVE BEEN APPLICABLE TO WHOEVER WON!

Dear Mr. President:

Congratulations on your victory at the polls. You are now the leader of the free world whether anybody likes it or not. Frankly, I give you about a week to figure out that you don't.

As a participant in the process that put you in office, I am writing to offer you the benefit of the common man's advice. Men don't come more common than me. Ask my wife.

First, please do not let the victory go to your head. You aren't smart as you think you are. In fact, you aren't even as smart as your supporters claim. We're all going to find that out in the next four years, so there's no point in pretending otherwise.

It doesn't take a genius to be president. I offer as proof any number of dolts we have elected to the country's highest office. So please remember that the trust we've placed in you isn't necessarily a compliment.

The truth is that most Americans could do your job. They could even be good presidents if they remembered to keep things simple. And that's what I'm writing to you about now.

Most Americans know what needs to be done. We learned it growing up, or at least those of us with decent parents did. Presumably, that includes you. Here's what my parents taught me that would also work in the White House.

ENVIRONMENT -- If you make a mess, you have to clean it up. It doesn't matter how long ago you made the mess, or who else helped, you still have to clean it up--even if it takes all day.

FOREIGN POLICY -- You are not the most important person in the world. If you think you are, you need to be taken down a notch or two.

EDUCATION -- Stupidity will always cost more than tuition.

NATIONAL DEFENSE -- Bullies always have to look over their shoulders. Be strong but don't pick on your sisters, or your father will kick your ass when he gets home.

CRIME -- A punishment equal to or worse than the deed is the most effective way of remembering not to do it again.

ECONOMY -- If you want something, go earn the money for it. If you borrow more than you can repay, you deserve to have your thumbs broke.

HEALTH CARE -- Eat right, work hard, don't smoke, brush your teeth, wear your seat belt, and look both ways before crossing the street. If it's not your fault, we'll help you pay to fix it.

There's more, but I think you get the point. Our problems aren't that complicated. Your presidency shouldn't be either.

Best of luck

Robert Kirby

Salt Lake Tribune